Valentine's Mishaps
by Musicalrain
Summary: A bit of fluff I just wrote for the kinkmeme. Garrus makes Femshep a romantic dinner, and is nervous about Valentine's Day. I have no rights to Mass Effect, I just have fun with it. Please Review!


Valentine's Mishaps

Garrus was looking at the data-pad that Mordin had all but shoved into his hands not moments before. His eyes were going blurry. This was more than he could handle. Mordin's words came to him again,

"Human romantic holiday, Saint Valentine's Day, is fast approaching. Suggest participation, since you and Shepard still romantic, yes? No time to stop at Citadel to purchase necessary gifts such as jewelry, roses, chocolates – suggest cooking her a romantic dinner. Formal attire. Here. Take a look at data-pad. Contains all necessary information. Wish you luck."

He scrolled down, and came upon a picture of the human symbol for... wait? Does that say, love? He traced the curves of the simple symbol with a talon. How serious did Mordin think he and Shepard were?

He sighed. He knew he loved Shepard, but he didn't know how she felt exactly, and how strongly. But, the data did say that humans in new relationships participated in this... thing. Even first-dates were often held on this day.

He skimmed through the background history on this Saint Valentine, paused a little at some of the old traditions that aren't in practice anymore, and briefly looked over the traditional differences amongst varying human sub-cultures.

Then he came to the recipes...

…...

Some of the meals were extravagant. And he certainly didn't think they had all the necessary ingredients on the Normandy. Certainly not this weird-looking creature called a lobster, which to Garrus' amusement was cooked whole.

He needed help, but who?

Mordin was too busy with Eve. Liara was too busy with Javik (and he wasn't sure if she knew about this holiday).

He decided he needed a human's advice.

Joker? Naw. He would just find the entire situation way too hilarious.

Jimmy Vega? Garrus shook his head. He was certain that man definitely did not know a thing about being romantic.

There was this Specialist Traynor that Shepard kept talking about. Could he ask her for help? Again, he sighed. He didn't think she knew about his relationship with Shepard.

I think I'm going to need help with this. I have no idea what to do for a romantic meal for this Saint Valentine's Day.

He must have said that aloud, because EDI's melodic voice filled the main battery with, "I believe I can be of assistance, Vakarain. I am familiarizing myself with human behavior, traditions, and even culinary preferences."

…...

Garrus wasn't still entirely comfortable seeing the synthetic in the flesh, so to speak. But he was forever grateful for some assistance. It was at night, and they were in the mess, sitting at a table going over their meal options.

EDI leaned over, placing a finger on a particular recipe that she seemed to be quite fond of, "I still believe that the Pasta Milan would be most appropriate for the main dish. It originates from the Lombardy countryside of Italy. Italy is a well-known country for romantic liaisons on Earth. It is only outweighed by France, in the amount of romantic couples who travel there for this particular holiday."

Garrus sighed and shifted, "Fine. But do we have all the ingredients?"

EDI paused for a second, "We do not have the Gorgonzola cheese. I can requisition it for you. It will arrive before the holiday."

Garrus returned his eyes to the data pad, "What about the wine?"

EDI perked up, "Sauvignon Blanc would be best. It is a red wine. Specialist Traynor has a bottle hidden in the crew's quarters. I can acquire it for you."

"Alright. But don't, ah, go out of your way. I'm sure the dual-chirality wine I've got will be fine." EDI shot him a skeptical look, "Well, we'll only use it if we need to."

"You won't. For an appetizer, grill vegetables. Roma tomatoes and Portobello mushrooms would be best. See here. Use butter and herbs for flavoring."

Garrus snorted, "Seems simple enough."

She scrolled through the data-pad, "For dessert, I recommend Bananas Foster. You can prepare it in front of her. The flames of the alcohol needed at this step, would create a visual display that would appeal. The culinary skill required to accomplish this step, without igniting oneself, would impress."

Igniting oneself? Garrus had to take a look. Sure enough the recipe called for the rum to be lit. He shifted nervously, "Well, I think I can handle that. If you're certain this will work."

"It will, Garrus."

…...

The next few days passed way, way too quickly. Garrus was so wrapped up in calibrations, that he had no time to practice cooking the meal he was planning. And when he did have time, the Primarch seemed to always need his advise on something.

At last, it was Valentine's day.

Garrus was incredibly nervous, and it wasn't due to the fact that they were just a day out from Tuchanka. No, the Bananas Foster scared him – the whole meal scared him.

Thoughts kept running through his mind at a million miles per hour. What would Shepard think? Was this too presumptions? Did she not celebrate this holiday?

He took a deep breath, and slowly let it out.

EDI and Mordin seemed to both think this holiday was important, and that his efforts would be rewarded.

He double-checked the recipes. He had been studying them whenever he had the chance.

Oh no! The Gorgonzola cheese!

He rushed out of the main battery, and rapidly poked the interface for the cargo-hold.

Cortez was concerned when he saw the frantic turian shifting through the crates in the hold, but was relieved when he finally remembered that EDI had ordered some cheese for him.

"Hey, Garrus? I think I know what you're looking for." He walked over to him and handed him a small package. Garrus didn't recognize the lettering on it, but was incredibly relieved that after his omni-tool scan, it proved to be the Gorgonzola.

But his searching had wasted time. Shepard's shift had already started He had wanted to invite her to dinner in person, but he guessed he would have to just send her a message when it was over, since she was likely elbow deep in work by now.

…...

Once the mess was cleared, and Garrus was certain that most of the crew were off to bed, he snuck out into the mess with all his supplies gathered in a small box. He had been keeping them stored in a small refrigerating unit in the main battery, since he didn't trust the crew not to eat something that was labeled: do not eat.

He set it down on the counter, and double-checked his ingredients – all seemed to be accounted for.

He set to work. First the appetizer.

He took out the ingredients: two tomatoes, two mushrooms, one package of butter, small containers of basil, thyme, white pepper, and salt.

Ok, so first the vegetables needed to be prepared. How different could this be from cooking a turian dish?

He took out a knife, cut the tomatoes in half, and cut the stick-like ends off of the mushrooms – just like in the pictures. Once satisfied with their appearance, he moved on to melt the butter.

He stuck the entire package in a pan, and turned on the heat. Within a few minutes the, now liquid, contents spilled out from the paper, and coated the pan. Was that supposed to happen? He looked at the picture, yeah, it only showed the liquid being used. He plucked out the paper, and tossed it aside.

He pulled out the grill-pan that EDI told him to use, and dumped some butter on it. Well, it did say to butter the pan's surface. He placed the vegetables on the pan, like in the picture, dumped more butter on top of them, and turned on the heat.

He then looked for the containers of herbs. What's a tablespoon? Teaspoon? He wasn't certain, but he figured they were those things the other humans just called spoons. It sounded close enough. He found one and filled it to the brim with salt. He poured it over the sizzling vegetables. He repeated this for each seasoning.

Finally the 5 minutes were up, and he removed the vegetables. They had the same dark lines as the ones in the picture on the data-pad, but they were darker and more obscured by the seasoning. They had a very strong smell, not entirely pungent. He figured it was close enough, nothing he ever cooked turned out perfect. He wanted to taste it, but couldn't. He hoped they were fine. He put them aside on a plate.

…...

Next the Pasta Milan.

He found the package of dry penne pasta, frozen green peas, frozen asparagus tips, the Gorgonzola cheese, a small papery package of whipping cream, and the salt and pepper containers.

He found a large, silvery pot that looked just like the one in the picture. He filled it half-way with water. It said to bring the salted water to a boil. Salt! It didn't say how much to use, so he just used another spoon-full. He figured it was the same concept as the vegetables, but he didn't know why someone would flavor their cooking water.

He cranked up the heat, and soon enough, the water was bubbling away. He opened the packages of pasta, peas, and asparagus and prepared to dump them into the water.

Before he added them to the water, he took the time to examine what they were. He found the pasta odd, what's with its shape? It was hard, but it easily broke between his talons with some added pressure. He figured that that wasn't supposed to happen, and discarded the broken shards. He dumped them in.

Next the peas. They were so small, he didn't know why they were worth eating. He figured they must taste good then. He added them.

The asparagus tips confused him. They looked a little like green talons. They had layers, and smelled slightly pungent. It wasn't his place to judge the recipe, so he added them anyway.

He boiled the contents for 5 minutes like it said. And then he found what was called a strainer, and set it into the sink, like in the picture. He dumped the contents into it, and saw that a few peas had escaped threw its holes. He gathered them up, and put them back in. Some of the pasta pieces were stuck on the bottom of the pan, but in the picture, only free pieces were used, so he just left them in there. He thought that they were probably bad, or something.

In a smooth-bottomed pan, he added the entire package of cheese and the cream. He also added a spoon-full of pepper, and another of salt to it. It said to add salt and pepper to taste, but he couldn't taste it. He hoped that would be fine. He turned on the heat.

It said to cook it until a creamy consistency, but it was taking the cheese forever to melt, no matter how much he moved it around with the spoon. The mixture was starting to bubble a lot, and it didn't bubble in the picture. So he figured he should remove it, and take out the chunk of cheese that didn't melt, since it was probably also bad, or something. His sauce looked different than in the picture, but it was just about the right color.

He found a large "bowl," and dumped the pasta, peas, asparagus, and sauce together. It said to mix it, so he took the spoon, and ran it through the mixture a few times. He was satisfied with it.

He checked the time. It was five minutes before the time he told Shepard to be down there. He decided he ought to set the table, like in the picture.

…...

Shepard didn't know what to expect when she received the little vague message from Garrus. It said to dress formal, so she took a shower after her shift and put on her little black dress. She was hoping that she'd get an excuse to wear it.

Once she entered the mess, her face practically fell to the floor.

Garrus was sitting at a table, looking as nervous as ever.

The table was covered in a sheet, probably from the crew quarters, it had a bottle of wine on it, a few plates, and various other dishes on it.

Once Garrus noticed her however, she had picked her mouth up.

He came over and greeted her in his customary way; they touched foreheads briefly and he looped his arms around her waist and cleared his throat, "Ah, Mordin told me about this human holiday – Saint Valentine's Day. And he thought that you would like it if I, um, made dinner for you."

He nervously broke away from her, and pulled out a chair at the table. He motioned for her to sit. She smiled as she took a seat, and pushed herself in.

"So... You made dinner. What'd you make?"

His turian brow shot up and he stammered, "EDI helped me pick out the recipes. The appetizers are grilled vegetables. Here!" He shot out a hand, and picked up the plate, "These are tomatoes, and these are mushrooms." He pointed to each one as he named them, like if she didn't know what they were herself.

"Thanks. They look great." She smiled again, trying to ease his nerves.

He poured her wine, as she cut a piece of a tomato for herself.

She tried to keep her face a neutral as possible. The herbs did smell strong, but they were far stronger once they were in her mouth. The poor tomato was smothered in salt, pepper, basil and thyme. The basil and salt combo was the strongest out of the flavors. It was overpowering, she nearly choked.

She forced a smile as he looked over, "They're great, Garrus. What's the main dish?"

She was hoping that it would be better, something to get out the tart taste and pungent aroma out of her mouth and nose.

She took a gulp of her wine. It was good. Not bad, she thought.

He brought over a big bowl to her. She took one of the available plates on the table, and helped herself to a small portion.

He looked keenly as she took a bite, "Its, its called Pasta Milan. EDI was persistent about it, said something to do with a place named Italy..."

As she took a bite, it wasn't as bad as the tomato. It was salty and peppery again, and it had too much sauce. But she could handle it, it didn't make her gag. She took a few bites, and he seemed to calm significantly.

"For, for dessert I'll be making Bananas Foster. EDI suggested that I'd make it in front of you..."

Her brow shot up, "You know that requires fire, right?"

"Yeah. You light the rum on fire, don't you?" He wrung his hands together nervously.

She took another drink of her wine, carefully stood up, placed his hands on her waist and said, "How about we make it together? I don't want you to start a fire." He seemed to deflate before her, "Plus, it'd be more romantic to cook something together. A lot of couples do it actually." She smiled wide, and he perked up.

"To be honest, the recipe seemed to be a bit... different. Turians don't cook with their alcohol."

She then got a horrifying mental image of Garrus covered in bananas and flaming rum from head-to-toe, while she tried to locate a fire extinguisher.

She was so glad that he agreed to let her help, so she wouldn't have to see that in person.

For a first Valentine's Day, it wasn't too bad. But she was definitely not doing the dishes.


End file.
